The Story

As of the time I'm writing this, I am currently 28 years old. My name is Jim, but it wasn't always. I began my life as someone else entirely.

Born and raised in a small town, I knew pretty early on that I was a little different. I struggled to find where I actually fit in and never really found it. There's comfort now in the fact that there really isn't a place for me. 
As a 15 year old girl I couldn't figure out the source of my over all discomfort. My skin didn't fit right and it was really hard to pretend it did. Maybe a year later I met a nice gentleman who'd grown up a whole lot like me. Small town, uncomfortable skin. What I didn't know is that we had far more in common than I realized. This gentleman was once a miserable 15 year old girl, just like me. 
Being someone who never had any kind of hope or vision for my future, all of a sudden it seemed a little brighter. For the first time in my life I actually said to myself "..there's no reason that I can't do the same thing." 
As high school ended and they started asking "well now what are you going to do with your life?" I finally responded with "I'm going to make a huge change." 

In my mind I don't feel that I should have to choose a gender. Some would argue that you don't choose, you take what you get. What I got was uncomfortable. I couldn't live like that. I wasn't ever a typical girl and had zero desire to be. I never liked dresses, makeup, long hair or anything that typically defines a girl. Being biologically female and living in men's clothing got me called all kinds of names by peers and even my own family. As a teenager the most common phrase from my extended family was something similar to "why can't you just be normal?" To me I'm perfectly normal. I'm a regular person trying to just comfortably exist. I don't feel like I need to be either gender and I don't understand at all why it's such a big deal. I'm somewhere in the middle completely. 

The first time someone honestly called me "sir" in public was a major turning point in my life. It felt really good for a fraction of a second before they were immediately corrected by my accompanying family member. Crushed, I persevered. 

At 19, I decided it was time. If I couldn't live in the middle then I'd just go ahead and transition. I'd just become a man and things would fall into place. I started counseling and got my first testosterone shot on the 8th of September, 2003. Little did I know, my battle was just beginning. 

That extended family I mentioned earlier were positively cruel. People I'd known for years and saw daily suddenly disappeared. I had to remind myself that it was them being stupid and that it wasn't ever my fault. If that was all it took to get them to turn away from me like that then they didn't deserve my company anyway. 
For the first time ever I had a handful of confidence and it felt so good. 

Here I sit almost 10 years later, looking back on all of this is actually surprisingly hard for me. I don't deny where I came from or who I was. I wouldn't be who I am today without any of it. 

I've evolved into a regular guy. I love baseball, toyota trucks, my dogs and my wife. 
I feel good about where I am now.. about who I've become. 

My last transitional journey is top surgery. I've also been informed that, I guess, not a lot people are familiar with this term. Basically it's a surgical reconstruction of the chest. Breast tissue is removed, things get reshaped to look a little more masculine. For me it'll mean freedom. Freedom from fear and freedom from the multitude of shirts I have to wear in order to look acceptable every day.

The transition is just that, transitional. An in between stage. I don't really feel like I had two separate lives. I feel like I just.. grew up. 

As far as this blog and the idea of donating goes, I don't expect the world to pay for all of this. I'm scraping up every dime I can and putting it away to make this happen for myself. I don't expect anyone to just hand over their hard earned dollars. I know I have a hard time handing over mine. My goal is to provide rewards for your kindness. To me subscribing or showing this to some friends is just as awesome as money. I'll eventually set up a store where cool stuff can be purchased, in the meantime I'll be handing out small gifts as a symbol of how thankful I am for the love and support I'm receiving.

1 comment:

  1. I love you very much and miss you all the time. You're a fucking Rockstar!!!!